Cutting... When you hear/read that word all what you have in head may be is the image of a nice salad carefully cut with red shiny tomatoes cut in circles surrounding a mountain of lettuce decorated by cubes of cheese and olives. Well sorry if you're hungry but that's not what I mean. I meant ''Cutting'' and using a sharp object to pierce the skin. Cutting may be accidental or voluntary. You may cut yourself while designing a nice card for your mom or a friend, or while working in the kitchen and may be you may cut yourself using a pen/razor/blade/scissors/knife.
It's hard to talk about it here, may be some people thought Mema is a nice girl who has a blog and lives her life but no... I am not depressed or sad or whatever. I haven't been abused. My mom and dad love me. I've got friends. I am a straight A student. I love my school. My problem is my weakness. I can fall apart just because my mom gave me a 'look', I can fall apart because my mom said a bad word about me. I fall apart because my mom 'Hates Me'. Conclusion: She's usually the reason. She loves me, I know it. But sometimes I just can't help but feel the total opposite. Like...Whenever my dad says I did this or that, she joins him: ''Aw honey! I know right! She's just so annoying. I hope she obeys more.'' Well I'm not the annoying one! You are! Do you hear me?! You are! I hate you! Sometimes I want to yell. I hate you! Sometimes I feel like if no one understands me here. I feel like dying.
I started to cut reading about auto-mutilation. In my mind, I know it's something bad. I know I should stop. I even knew I should never start. Then a thought popped out in my mind All those people who self-harm, they must feel better. That's how it all started. By just a little cut when me and my mom had a fight. I can't say I didn't feel better. It felt like I got rid of a giant pressure.
Most of you will tell me to stop. Including my mom and dad (if they knew about it). My mom once saw my cuts and scars. She was like ''Sweetheart what happened to you?'' The first time she saw the first cut I was like ''It's my wrist-watch. I over tightened it.'' She believed it. The second time she saw my wrist covered with cuts and scars she asked me again. I lied, saying that it was because of my bracelets (who were made of plastic); she believed it again. Conclusion: my mom is too ignorant to know what self-mutilation is. If I told her ''mom, I self-harm.'' She will ask me ''and what does that mean?'' ; ''It's when people hurt themselves on purpose to get rid of pressure, sadness or depression.'' She would think I'm trying to get more attention. That I'm ''Doing it for fun''. I hate her. I hate her for not being so confident.
The fact that my parents don't know what self-harm is hurts me even more. I got the feeling they can't help me. I feel lost. I just can't go and tell my friends about it, they'll think I'm a freak. A total freak. I can't help but wonder... May I ever hit a vein by accident and die? ...
TOTAL CONCLUSION: I HATE MY PARENTS. Not for not loving me, not for abusing me or whatever. But because I'm in trouble and I don't feel they'll ever help me. I hate them...
It's hard to talk about it here, may be some people thought Mema is a nice girl who has a blog and lives her life but no... I am not depressed or sad or whatever. I haven't been abused. My mom and dad love me. I've got friends. I am a straight A student. I love my school. My problem is my weakness. I can fall apart just because my mom gave me a 'look', I can fall apart because my mom said a bad word about me. I fall apart because my mom 'Hates Me'. Conclusion: She's usually the reason. She loves me, I know it. But sometimes I just can't help but feel the total opposite. Like...Whenever my dad says I did this or that, she joins him: ''Aw honey! I know right! She's just so annoying. I hope she obeys more.'' Well I'm not the annoying one! You are! Do you hear me?! You are! I hate you! Sometimes I want to yell. I hate you! Sometimes I feel like if no one understands me here. I feel like dying.
I started to cut reading about auto-mutilation. In my mind, I know it's something bad. I know I should stop. I even knew I should never start. Then a thought popped out in my mind All those people who self-harm, they must feel better. That's how it all started. By just a little cut when me and my mom had a fight. I can't say I didn't feel better. It felt like I got rid of a giant pressure.
Most of you will tell me to stop. Including my mom and dad (if they knew about it). My mom once saw my cuts and scars. She was like ''Sweetheart what happened to you?'' The first time she saw the first cut I was like ''It's my wrist-watch. I over tightened it.'' She believed it. The second time she saw my wrist covered with cuts and scars she asked me again. I lied, saying that it was because of my bracelets (who were made of plastic); she believed it again. Conclusion: my mom is too ignorant to know what self-mutilation is. If I told her ''mom, I self-harm.'' She will ask me ''and what does that mean?'' ; ''It's when people hurt themselves on purpose to get rid of pressure, sadness or depression.'' She would think I'm trying to get more attention. That I'm ''Doing it for fun''. I hate her. I hate her for not being so confident.
The fact that my parents don't know what self-harm is hurts me even more. I got the feeling they can't help me. I feel lost. I just can't go and tell my friends about it, they'll think I'm a freak. A total freak. I can't help but wonder... May I ever hit a vein by accident and die? ...
TOTAL CONCLUSION: I HATE MY PARENTS. Not for not loving me, not for abusing me or whatever. But because I'm in trouble and I don't feel they'll ever help me. I hate them...
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